Id and superego stay in the background

You know when you feel hungry… if you suppress it for long enough, the feeling will “disappear” from the surface (of your conscious self), as you’ll learn to adapt to it and ignore it. But the hunger won’t actually cease. Your body will take all it can from your muscles and a bit less from your fat to make up for what it’s missing. It will eat itself, right?

But what’s with the loneliness a person feels? I’d guess it’s about the same. You keep being alone, sheltered from people and rejection, so in a while, you stop noticing the feeling of loneliness and sadness. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist, on the contrary… They become the basis of your “self”, but as a subjective “being”/an egocentric person you stop paying attention to your subconscious mind.

With time the loneliness becomes such a well-hidden mystery, that you completely forget about it. You forget about the most important parts of yourself and the union of “you’s” as a whole. Thus, so do others. All they can see/hear from you is a wall of laughter. The kindness you choose to show to them, but the sadness and cruelty towards yourself remain hidden, as there is just one person that feels your rage, yet suffers silently.

“In the end, it’s better to forget about it. To suppress it like hunger. “, you think to yourself. The perfect life becomes visible, as you eat away your insides. Leaving them like an empty plate, a tabula rasa that is far from innocent in your mind. But cruelty is to be forgiven, feelings to be conquered in a direct manner – as we all have our demons. WE ALL FACE THEM IN OUR OWN WAY… We defeat them. If we want to.

Whilst sometimes we fall apart, all that is around us evokes our guilty conscience, pleads for it to take an active part in out lives, but we ignore it. Then our emotions do start working against us, forcing us to set the goals way too high. Leaving us longing for perfection. Leaving us thinking we’re bad people when in fact we’re far from it. We are just people. Even when we feel like shells and nothingness.

But it is…

All right. C’est la vie mon’amie.

Shame

Shame!

Look at your body.

Shame!

Look at your skin.

Shame!

Look at your achievements.

Shame!

Look deep within.

Shame.

It was brought upon us!

Shame.

All in one that we don’t need!

Shame.

I don’t want to be this!

Shame,

Impressed itself on your mind.

It’s a shame,

The relatability of something so vague.

But shame

 is on us…

Shame,

It makes us all bleed.

Shame…

All shame is blind.

Shame…

It’s a shame, you’re ashamed.

Illussia~lussuria

I’d never want to be a celebrity.

People insult them, curse them.

They either hate their style

or love it way too much.

They hate them for their spirits

or love the way they touch.

They are “rarely soulful”,

they are solely art.

Objects to admire.

Objects to destruct.

Celebs are not the artists,

they are public trash-

sold and assembled;

the reader talks about.

They’re no longer people,

as people should be loved.

They can be admired

before they fall apart.

So selfish it hurts

 

I….

I’ve been listening for a while now,

Know you’ve been yelling….

Framing all the words,

friend,

in pig latin speaking.

You kept it bottled up…

Humanity-

In front of your mirror!

Timeless…

So long- It belongs to you.

Whisper(!): „Make it clearer!“

Time’s a particle of you.

But you bleed

And this blood makes you see…

A miracle of birth-

Black ,

Closed in round eyes.

They see me through,

Or through me…(?)

Without turning the head.

You’re eyes have been stuck

to the sides—

You’re a painter.

An arist of moderna

Holding a stale soup with letters,

You’d like people to choke on—

To experience the solitude,

A roulette of anger,

That is floating in your head,

That shoots people around you—

But you could have it worse

Because selfishness hurts.

I know what I believe in.

I do not believe in god, but not because I do not believe in what is good and fair. Not because I’ve chosen the „easier way“, the one that doesn’t hold remorse within… but because I believe that every person has a responsibility towards this planet and towards the people in our surroundings. I do not care if some greater force comes to correct my mistakes. I do not care if someone will forgive me for my misdoings or correct them for me instead of him… because I live my own life and think before I act. I will not hurt another person simply because  I can.

This is why I think that the most important thing to life is our responsibility. The time does not go back and each move we make leaves marks on other people. Sometimes even casualties. And I do not think that the sins should be forgiven. A sin leaves a trace just as big as something good that it had done. We should not seek salvation from ourselves nor play cowards that shoot then bow before the judge. There should be no force that can erase what is done, because one should always think before he has to act and there is no god that gives back the life that’s taken. Even if god does exists, there is no god to change the faith and that would pet our heads after the aftermath.

We have one life and we can lose it in an instant. Just a second could become that which counts. Whoever dares to take that one chance out of someone elses hands, just to get a good laugh, is by all means the worst evil that can exist. The biggest error in the system and the virus that should be isolated, so as not to destroy all the good cells. Of course, he should not become the victim himself.

But I could never understand how some people are just able to forgive that kind of person. How can someone touch him later and tell him it’s ok? In what way did he deserve all the attention and love that is given to him, just by having such a psychotic look in his eyes. When did he deserve those things more than those that are now gone? Because of him/her… Is their tragedy so insignificant? Is it necessary for their lives to get reduced to something so small as a sentence in the news? Why do we need to forgive the people who keep laughing in the face of their victims? We know it’s not important what someone does and how good he/she hides his/hers tears and pain behind a mask, the smirk will remain there forever. They have won no matter what one does afterwards. They have turned off the light in someone elses eyes, their lightbulb burned out because of them and all that is left behind is a group of people. A group that stands in the darkness praying for forgiveness. Praying to him.

So I don’t believe in god, because to me god is not and could never be a consolation. Because god is no excuse. Because he should never be the reason why we do good deeds nor the bad ones. I believe in humanity. I believe that some people made god resemble them and distance themselves from their responsibilities. They have made „god“ wear their cross and demonstrate salvation before the others. That is why  I believe in emotions, even when they’re missing. Even though I know that they are the most realistic illusion we could possibly have. I know they are closer to us now than he is. Because even if he does exists, I will not depend on him, but I will be eternaly grateful to him.

Ne vjerujem u njega.

Ne vjerujem u boga, ali ne zato što ne vjerujem u dobro. Ne zato što biram „lakši put“, onaj u kojem nema kajanja… već zato što vjerujem da svaka osoba ima odgovornost na ovome planetu i prema svojim bližnjima. Ne zanima me hoće li neka viša sila ispraviti moje pogrješke. Ne zanima me hoće li mi ih netko oprostiti ili ih pak ispraviti, jer živim na „ti“ sama sa sobom i promatram se u ogledalu prije osuđivanja. Zato smatram da je najbitnije od svega u ovome životu preuzeti odgovornost. Vrijeme ne ide unazad i svaki naš potez samim time postaje bitan. Ne smatram da bi se grijesi trebali oprostiti. Svaka pogrješka je vrijedna kao i svaka pozitivna stvar koju učinimo. Stoga ne vjerujem u boga, niti vječni život koji donosi spas nama od samih sebe. Ne postoji sila izvan nas koja može spasiti našu dušu i na kojoj je da oprosti svo zlo koje smo napravili sebi ili, što je još i gore, drugima. Postoji jedan život koji nam je na usluzi, jedan život koji možemo izgubiti svakoga trenutka. Tko god oduzme šansu za život drugome, u mojim očima je najveće zlo koje postoji. Najgora greška u sustavu i virus kojeg treba izolirati od zdravih stanica, a ne netko kome se treba oprostiti. Naravno, ne treba ga se niti lišiti, samo se zaštititi od njega.

Ali ljudi ga dotaknu nakon zlodjela i govore da je sve u redu. Govore da će mu oprostiti. Čime je to zaslužio? Čime je zaslužio da na svoj bijesan pogled dobije odgovor ljubav i da mu se briše slina sa ustiju? Čime je zaslužio pažnju bilo koje forme?

Ono što se zaista pitam je: Što je s ljudima koji su nestali sa lica zemlje zbog toga? Zbog nje ili njega? Što je sa svima koji su mogli ostvariti nešto u ovome životu kojega smo dobili na poklon od majke prirode? Zar je njihova tragedija toliko nebitna da možemo jednostavno oprostiti onima i izbrisati trag suza ispred manijaka? Ne hrane se oni boli, već zlodjelima. Zašto onda oprostiti onima… Onima koji su se udostojili ući u privatnost drugoga i razoriti cijelu unutrašnjost. Zašto su oni, kojima je sama destrukcija uronjena u srži, vrijedni našeg oprosta ili sažaljenja. Zašto im moramo oprostiti što su ugasili jedno svijetlo, jedno najčešće popraćeno drugim? Učinili su to da svjetiljka pregori i njezina toplina je zauvijek nestala u nepovrat. Zašto na kraju dobri ljudi ostaju u sjeni i šapuću molitve u ime oprosta i njegovo ime?

Ja ne vjerujem u boga, zato što bog nije utjeha.  Jer bog nije izlika. Jer bog nije razlog zašto činimo dobro ili loše. Vjerujem u ljude i uskraćivanje i davanje prilika. Vjerujem da je mnogima i sam bog čovjek. On im je u mislimam jer su ga pretvorili u jednu novu varijantu sebe. Razapeli su ga u vlastitim mislima i prisilili da nosi njihov križ pred drugima. Mnogi se ograđuju od odgovornosti.

Stoga vjerujem u naše emocije, čak i onda kada mi upravo one nedostaju. Čak i ako su one najrealističnija iluzija koju imamo. I dalje su bliže od njega.

Have you ever had a vivid dream?

The last night I was a man in my dream. I knew my eyes were brown, hair was long and black. I woke up in my dream and the first thing I’ve noticed is that the bus is full of people. I’ve told myself that they were asleep, but I had a feeling somehow that it wasn’t like that at all. One of them, a girl with blond curly hair, “woke up”. She addressed me soon after her waking: “You’re finally awake!”. The smile on her face was wide, but plastic, false. Then she continued to explain how the people are held under control by an elite and no one knows which one for certain. When they, the people,  are needed, they stop being paralysed (comatose), but on rare occasions they snap out of this state by themselves. The elite tries to terminate them then. In the dream it frightened me so much that I stormed out of the vehicle. I’ve seen that the streets around me were collapsed. Everything was dusty, filled with garbage and that there were people lying on the street. Like some dolls in a child’s room. Then I heard a noise. Someone was circling the streets in a jeep. Somehow I knew that these were the hunters working for that elite the woman was talking about, so hid myself behind some wall that resembled the Berlin wall. At that moment I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have woken up just yet, went back to the bus and found that woman lying comatose on the floor. I felt so helpless and started panicking. I’ve kept thinking about them coming to terminate me and then I simply woke up.

What’s the meaning of this dream? Well, I have no idea. But it motivated me to do this I am doing at the moment. I’m interested about how the story could possibly end. About interpretations to this dream. Maybe I’ll get some feedback, or maybe this is a shout into the emptiness. I’ll see soon enough.